Sue Scheff: The Talk: It's More than Just Sex

Source: National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy


In our conversations with young people about sex, pregnancy, and family formation — aka, the dreaded "Talk" — we parents too often leave out one of the most important topics of all: healthy relationships. Simply put, young people often get the textbook definitions on how to reduce the risk of pregnancy and STDs — by waiting to have sex or by using contraception — but they're rarely given guidance on how to successfully navigate the minefield of relationships. Remember that the lessons they learn from their relationships as teenagers will be the foundation of the relationships they form as adults.



Here are some suggestions we think might be helpful in conversations you should have with your sons and daughters.

Click here: http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/parents/relationships.aspx

Parents Universal Resource Experts - Sue Scheff - Power Moms

I love stumbling over great new parenting websites - and what a name - Power Moms Unite - Founder, Candace McLane offer a wide variety of articles, thoughts, tips, parenting resources and more on ADHD. As a mother of an ADHD son, I really enjoy this site. Check her Blog out too - great up to date info!

What is a Power Mom??

Power Moms are moms working to successfully balance the needs of child, family, and self. Some work outside the home, balancing a career with the needs of their child, family and personal self. Other moms are working from home, managing families while managing a small home-based business or managing large families and a homeschool. There are a wide range of us- all power moms- looking to do our best at our many hats as mom- be that nuturer, coach, educator, cheerleader, psychologist, disciplinarian, party arranger, role-model, etc. The roles are vast and numerous, the balance often difficult to strike. This site hopes to empower these moms by providing timely, valuable and informative resources for celebrating family life and successfully managing ADHD.

Sue Scheff: Teen Pregnancy

Teen birth rates up? Parents need to take steps to learn why - what can they do to help their young teens understand having a child is not easy. Before you are faced with this difficult and sensitive situations, continue opening communication about sex as well as contraceptives. Years ago a young teen getting pregnant seemed like the worst possible situation - now having unprotected sex can not only lead to pregnancy and big decisions for young teens, but deadly diseases. Take time to learn more.

Source: Connect with Kids

“It does give them another way to look at themselves, and to look at their bodies as a powerful force and not just sort of ornamental.”
– Laura Mee, Ph.D., Child Psychologist.

One girl gives birth to a baby. Another plays basketball with her brother. What’s the connection?
Studies show girls who play sports are less likely to have sex and less likely to get pregnant. One reason may be these athletes gain confidence and respect for their bodies.

“It does give them another way to look at themselves, and to look at their bodies as a powerful force and not just sort of ornamental,” explains child psychologist, Dr. Laura Mee.

Experts say experiencing pressure on the court gives them the strength to resist pressure from a boyfriend. And, in their free time, it gives them something else to focus on besides how they look, “Their hair, their clothes, their, like reputation… mostly all they want to do is impress the boys,” says 12-year-old Claire.

What’s more, studies have found that athletic girls have higher self-esteem, better grades and less stress.

So, experts say, encourage your daughters to get involved in sports and then cheer them on. “Make it as important that your daughters have sporting events as you would for your son that you treat them as equally as you possibly can, that you support and encourage and that the other children, whether they are male or female, support and encourage each other in their sports activities,” says Mee.

Tips for Parents

Sex is something parents should constantly discuss with their teens, but you should really give your teens “the talk” before summer and Christmas vacation. According to one study, teens are much more likely to lose their virginity during the months of June and December than any other time of the year. Almost 19,000 adolescents in grades seven through twelve participated in the survey, which identified the month they had sexual intercourse for the first time. The survey also asked if the act was with a romantic partner or was more “casual.”

The findings, published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, show June as the most popular month, followed closely by December. Summer and Christmas vacations are believed to be the cause with school out and teens with time on their hands. More events are also planned in June, including high school proms, graduations and summertime parties. The “holiday season effect” makes December the second highest month for teen sex. Experts explained that during the holidays, young females in relationships are more likely to have sex. The holidays usually bring people together and make them closer. The same is true with teenagers.

All studies indicate messages from parents regarding sex are extremely important to teens (Washington State Department of Health). In fact, teens state parents as their number one resource for information on the topic. This talk may be uncomfortable for many parents, so the National Parent Teacher Association (PTA) has provided the following tips for parents:

Practice. It may take practice to feel comfortable talking about sex with your kids. Rehearsing with a friend or partner can help. Be honest. Admit to your child if talking about sex is not easy for you. You might say, “I wish I’d talked with you about sex when you were younger, but I found it difficult and kept putting it off. My parents never talked to me about it, and I wish they had.”

Pay attention. Often parents do not talk to their teens about sex because they did not notice they wanted or needed information. Not all teens ask direct questions. Teenagers are often unwilling to admit they do not know everything. Notice what is going on with your child and use that as a basis for starting a conversation about sexual topics.

Look for chances to discuss the sexual roles and attitudes of men and women with your child. Use television show, ads and articles as a start.

Listen. When you give your full attention, you show that you respect your child’s thoughts and feelings. Listening also gives you a chance to correct wrong information they may have gotten from friends. As you listen, be sensitive to unasked questions. “My friend Mary is going out on a real date,” could lead to a discussion of how to handle feelings about touching and kissing.
Parents can also share their feelings on the topic through words and actions. The best way is to talk to teens. Even though it may seem like they are not listening – they are. To have a healthy and effective discussion on sex, the Advocates for Youth Campaign encourages parents to:
Educate yourself and talk with your children about issues of sexuality. Do not forget about discussing the importance of relationships, love, and commitment.

Discuss explicitly with preadolescents and teens the value of delaying sexual initiation and the importance of love and intimacy as well as of safer sex and protecting their health.

Encourage strong decision-making skills by providing youth with age-appropriate opportunities to make decisions and to experience the consequences of those decisions. Allow young people to make mistakes and encourage them to learn from them.

Encourage teens to create a resource list of organizations to which they can turn for assistance with sexual health, and other, issues. Work together to find books and Web sites that offer accurate information.

Actively support comprehensive sexuality education in the schools. Find out what is being taught about sexuality, who is teaching it, and what your teens think about it.

Actively voice your concerns if the sexuality education being taught in local public schools is biased, discriminatory, or inaccurate, has religious content, or promotes a particular creed or denomination.

Demonstrate unconditional love and respect for your children.

References
Advocates for Youth Campaign
Journal of Marriage and Family
National Parent Teacher Association
Washington State Department of Health

Sue Scheff - Teen Sex, Teen Pregnancy, Social Networking and Parenting

The news today? Teens floating photo's of themselves in their birthday suits, well, more or less. It seems more and more teens are not thinking about the consequences of sending questionable photos through email, texting, social networks etc. Parents need to explain to their child that placing such pictures may potentially cause them "not" to be accepted at a college or not get a job. More and more college admissions offices and potential employee's are Surfing the Net to find out more information on applicants. What you post today, may haunt you tomorrow!

With all the discussions around the nude pictures - it brings up another concern - does this mean your teen is being recognized as a sex object? Does it say he or she is "easy"?

Many people will ask, "where are the parents?", however it is almost impossible to monitor your teen 24/7, especially Online. As parents and adults everywhere, we need to tell our kids how this can harm them in the future. Their BFF today - may be their enemy next summer! Then where will those photos end up?
Keep informed - stay up to date with information for parents and teens.

Visit The National Campaign to Help Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy.

Parents Universal Resource Experts - About Birth Control: What Parents Need to Know

Source: The Nemours Foundation

One of the toughest decisions that a lot of teens face is whether to have sex. Teens who decide to become sexually active must also take responsibility to stay protected from unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

In the United States, the teenage pregnancy rate is higher than in many other countries. Approximately 1 million teen girls become pregnant every year and most of them don't intend to. In addition to preventing unplanned pregnancies, sexually active teens must protect themselves from STDs — which means that condoms must be used every time.

The most effective method of birth control is abstinence, which means no sexual intercourse. Abstinence is the only way that couples can be 100% sure they will not have to deal with pregnancy or STDs.

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has said that sex education that includes information about abstinence and birth control is the most effective way to keep down the rate of teen pregnancy.

As a parent, you play a key role in this education. It's important that your kids feel, from a young age, that they can come to you with a question about sexuality, no matter what it is. It helps if you treat sexuality as a natural part of development, not something dirty or embarrassing.

Providing the facts is vital, but it's also wise to give your kids a sense of where you stand. Teens, especially, may seem uninterested in your views on sex and birth control, or even your values in general, but they usually take in more than you think.

At times, kids may not feel comfortable approaching parents with questions about sexuality. That's OK. But it's important that they have a trusted adult — like a teacher, school counselor, school nurse, or doctor — to talk with about birth control and other issues related to sex.

Birth Control Methods

Couples who do choose to have sex have many effective birth control methods to choose from. Check out the articles below to learn important facts about these different options. You may be surprised — some popular ones aren't as effective as many people think:

Abstinence
Birth control patch
Birth control pill
Birth control ring
Birth control shot
Cervical cap
Condoms
Diaphragm
Emergency contraception (morning-after pill)
IUD
Rhythm method
Spermicide
Withdrawal

Reviewed by: Larissa Hirsch, MDDate reviewed: January 2007
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice, diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.

Teen Pregnacy Options

Teenage Preganancy: Options

Most teenage girls have been through at least one sexual education class and know their three basic options for the pregnancy. As a parent, it is important to understand these choices and learn as much as possible about each as so that you can offer her advice. Many times, a conversation between mother and daughter brings up important ideas about each option that the other had not thought of.

Here we link you to informative sites about each option:

Becoming A Parent
Abortion
Adoption

Parents Universal Resource Experts (Sue Scheff) Talking the Talk - Discussing Sex with your kids

Discussing sex with your tweens and teens can help them make better choices. Here's how.

Temma Ehrenfeld
Newsweek Web Exclusive
Updated: 10:28 AM ET Jul 31, 2008

What kids think about sex might surprise you, but what they're doing sexually—and when they're doing it—might surprise you even more. In a study this year of more than a 1,000 tweens (kids between the ages 11 and 14), commissioned by Liz Claiborne Inc. and loveisrespect.org, nearly half said they'd had a boy- or girlfriend, and one in four said that oral sex or going "all the way" is part of a tween romance. The parents' view? Only 7 percent of parents surveyed in this study think their own child has gone any further than "making out."
The whole subject of sex is so delicate that some parents put off talking to kids about it, believing their child is still too young, or because they're not sure what to say.

They "finally sit down to have the Big Talk," says Dr. Mark Schuster, chief of general pediatrics at Children's Hospital Boston, "and it turns out their teen is already having sex." (The average age of first intercourse in the United States is 16, according to the Centers for Disease Control)The good news is that there's plenty of evidence indicating that kids whose parents do discuss sex with them are more cautious than their peers—more likely to put off sex or use contraception.

They also have fewer partners. Coaching for parents helps, as well. Parents who participated in a training program about how to have those difficult conversations, Schuster reports, were six times more likely than a control group to have discussed condoms with their children. So what did the parents learn? Here are nine "talking sex" tips:

1. Find the moment. Instead of saying "it's time to talk about you-know," let the topic arise naturally—say, during a love scene in a video, or while passing a couple on a park bench. It helps to think about opening lines in advance.

2. Don't be vague about your own feelings. You know you don't want your ninth grader getting pregnant, but is oral sex OK? How do you feel about your daughter going steady or dating several boys casually? Consider the messages you want your kids to hear.

3. Anticipate the roadblocks that a teen or tween might set up. If they tend to say "uh huh," try asking open-ended questions or suggesting a variety of possible ways someone might feel in a relevant situation.

4. Be a good listener. Avoid lecturing and don't interrupt once your child opens up. Restate in your own words what you hear and identify feelings.

5. Help your child consider the pros and cons of sexual choices.

6. Relate sex and physical intimacy to love, caring and respect for themselves and their partner.

7. Teach strategies to manage sexual pressure. It may not be obvious to your daughter that she can suggest going to the movies or a restaurant instead of lounging with her boyfriend on a sofa without adult supervision. Or she may not know she can set and stick to a clear rule (such as no touching below the waist). Discuss the fact that "no means no." A simple strategy like getting up and going to the bathroom can give a girl time to regroup.

8. Don't be afraid to get down to specifics. If your teenage daughter or son is spending every afternoon alone with a main squeeze, and you're simply hoping they're using condoms, go ahead and ask whether they are sexually active and using birth control. You can buy a box of condoms and talk about how to use them—practice on a cucumber. A good laugh won't hurt your relationship.

9. Make the conversation ongoing—not a talk that happens once or twice. For more tips on talking to kids about sex and other sensitive issues, visit Children Now, a nonprofit nonpartisan organization's guide to talking to kids of all ages about sexual subjects. Or The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry's "Facts for Families."

Teen Dating Violence

Source: Connect with Kids

“I’ve never had one guy come into my life that hasn’t hurt me.”

– Jenny, 18 years old

Jenny, 18, has been hurt as many times as she’s been in love. At age 13, her boyfriend was physically abusive.

“He grabbed me by my neck one time, and I had fingerprints, bruising,” she explains.

Later, Jenny dated Mateo.

“He promised me, he said I promise you, I’ll never hurt you like they did,” Jenny says tearfully.

“And I promised her that, but I didn’t keep my promise,” Mateo, 17, admits. “Verbal abuse, emotional. You name it,” he says.

Research in the Journal of American Medicine finds that 42% of teens have been the victim of dating violence. 17% have been the perpetrator.

“Violent activity and dating violence begins early in adolescence; you know, begins when dating begins,” says psychiatrist Dr. Lynn Ponton, author of a book about the dating lives of teenagers.

She says too often kids are so excited to have their first boyfriend or girlfriend that they rush into a relationship. They become intimate too soon, before they even really get to know each other. By the time they know their partner is abusive, a lot of damage is already done.

Other research shows that girls in violent dating relationships are more likely to experiment with drugs, develop eating disorders and attempt suicide.

Experts say that parents must convince kids to slow down.

“By, I think, by actually setting up structures for kids to participate in where they get to know the people first before they’re off with them privately,” says Dr. David Fenstermaker, a clinical psychologist.

He suggests that group dates are safer. At the bowling alley, the water park or the ice rink, kids can get to know each other, and slowly discover what really lies in the heart of their date.

Tips for Parents

‘Dating violence’ may seem like a vague, murky term, but the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control defines ‘dating violence’ very specifically:

Dating Violence: “The perpetration or threat of an act of violence by at least one member of an unmarried couple on the other member within the context of dating or courtship. This violence encompasses any form of sexual assault, physical violence, and verbal or emotional abuse.”

How often does dating violence happen? Estimates vary, but the NCIPC offers these statistics:

24% of 8th and 9th graders have been victims of nonsexual dating violence.
8% of 8th and 9th graders have been victims of sexual dating violence.

Among high school students, the average prevalence rate for nonsexual dating violence is 22%.
Among college students the rate is 32%.

27% of college females have been victims of rape or attempted rape since age 14.
Over half of 1,000 females at a large urban university surveyed said they had experienced some form of “unwanted sex.”

Women are 6 times more likely than men to experience violence at the hands of an intimate partner.
According to the Massachusetts Department of Education, teen dating violence follows a pattern which is similar to adult domestic violence. The major elements of this pattern are:

Violence that affects people from all socio-economic, racial and ethnic groups.

Repeated violence that escalates.

Violence that increases in severity the longer the relationship continues.
Violence and abusive behaviors are interchanged with apologies and promises to change.
Increase danger for the victim when trying to terminate the relationship.
Occurrence in heterosexual and gay and lesbian relationships.
How can you tell if your teenager may be suffering from dating violence? Here are some signs from the Massachusetts Department of Education.

Is your child involved with someone who:

Is overly possessive and demonstrating a real need to control
Is jealous to the extreme point where it becomes an obsession
Is into controlling your child’s everyday events
Is prone to violent outbursts
Is a person who has a history of poor relationships
Is infringing upon your child’s freedom to make choices for himself/herself
Is limiting the time your child spends with other people
Is using external pressure to influence decision making
Is into passing blame and denying their own mistakes
Is in the habit of using put downs or playing mind games
Is not a person who can be disagreed with easily
Is encouraging your child to keep secrets
Is causing your child to become more withdrawn

And for teenagers trying to get out of a violent relationship, the following advice from the Boulder (CO) Police Department:

Tell your parents, a friend, a counselor, a clergyman, or someone else whom you trust and who can help.

The more isolated you are from friends and family, the more control the abuser has over you.
Alert the school counselor or security officer. Keep a daily log of the abuse.

Do not meet your partner alone.
Do not let him or her in your home or car when you are alone.
Avoid being alone at school, your job, on the way to and from places.
Tell someone where you are going and when you plan to be back.
Plan and rehearse what you would do if your partner became abusive.

References
National Center for Injury Protection and Control
Massachusetts Department of Education
Boulder (CO) Police Department
Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia